And Pork Pies Save The Day [ An Act Of Terrorism Thwarted ] By Norman Conquest

Morning-room in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room. Each expletive is accompanied by a piano flourish.

[Alfred is arranging afternoon tea on the table, as Reggie enters.]

ALFRED: (whispers) Merdre. 

Fistfights break out in the orchestra.

REGGIE: I daresay there’s some agro going on.

ALFRED: Get away! The trouble-makers are all doing bird in Qwagsley.

REGGIE: Bloody bowlers! They didn’t nab ‘em all. And it only takes one duffer to plant explosives in a vase and Bob’s your uncle!

ALFRED: Then Robert’s your mother’s brother.

REGGIE: Bollocks! (sneering) I think you’ve gone quite doolally.

There is loud explosion in the distance.

REGGIE: Bugger that, I’m out of here!

Alfred.: Cheerio then.

Reggie pauses at the door, tips his hat.

Reggie: Chocks away!

Alfred: Toodle-pip, old sport. (Goes to the window, looks out) Hello, what’s this?

Reggie: (joining him at the window) The wankers have arrived in time to save us!!

Alfred: Pork pies save the day — hooray! Curtain! Close the bloody curtain!

CURTAIN

© 2012 Norman Conquest

Originally appeared in Don’t Worry, It’s Not About The Hats – Black Scat Books 2012

Norman Conquest is the author of many books, most recently WHAT IS ART? (Journal of Experimental Fiction) and REAR WINDOWS: AN INSIDE LOOK AT FIFTY FILM NOIR CLASSICS (Absurdist Texts & Documents Series).

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