Psycho Mystery Adventure By Eddy Burger

So I’m walking down the road and I walk up to the door of a house I’ve never seen before. The exterior is in poor condition. Paint is peeling from the door, the garden is full of weeds, the fence posts blah blah, gutters, roof tiles, blah blah blah. I knock on the door and a tall, rough, wiry man, long hair, unshaven, blah blah, forty years, beer in hand opens the door. This is not the kind of place I was expecting to find Louise. I met Louise at a party a couple of weeks prior and she was exceptionally well groomed, and I had only now found courage enough to initiate a liaison. Now I’m wondering if I remembered the address correctly. I ask the man if I can see Louise. The man gives me an unwelcoming glare then turns around and hollers for Louise. I should mention that my style of clothing is vastly different from this man’s. I’m wearing purple slacks, a silver belt, platform shoes, a frilly yellow shirt, and a fat gold chain around my neck. He’s wearing blah blah.

A woman dressed similarly to the man comes to the door:

Yeah. What do ya want?

I want to speak to Louise.

Yeah! Well, what do ya want?

Is she home?

Yeah! You’re lookin’ at her!

Oh, er . . . are you Louise?!

Yeah! What of it?! Who wants to know?!

Blah blah blah. 

Ultimately, she indicates that the Louise I‘m looking for might live next door, so I ring next-door’s doorbell and there’s no answer. I return to the first house and knock on their door again. I am hoping to find out, with greater certainty, if the Louise I’m looking for definitely lives next door by describing blah blah. The man answers the door, grabs me by my shirtfront, punches me in face, belly, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Wake up sore, bloody forehead, on old mattress, grotty room, door locked, bang, call out, blah blah arguing through door, no toilet, left alone, food passed under door, yelling, smelly blah blah blah four men, me unconscious, wake up desert, thirsty hot faint cold, blah blah blah blah abandoned car, fix, track Louise, she spy, go to media, expose conspiracy, hero

blah.

© 2014 Eddy Burger

Eddy Burger is a Melbourne writer of funny and experimental fiction, poetry and plays. He is an anti-realist, post-modernist, and champion of the imagination. His work is frequently concerned with subverting notions of normality and promoting difference. His work has appeared in journals and anthologies in Australia and internationally. A story of his was published in The Year’s Best Australian Fantasy & Horror 2012 anthology. He is a former winner of the Melbourne Fringe Festival Spoken Word Award.

Comments are closed.