The Time My Head Was Decapitated and I Had a Body No More By Smith Q. Johns

I don’t like it when my friends toss me around. And by “me” I mean my head, as my body got cut off and lost or something. It’s all a blur to me, but now I just got a head. Nothing else. No body. Nothing.

Sometimes my friends, and or bullies, like to pretend I’m a football and I have to yell at them to stop, which isn’t easy to do because I don’t have my vocal chords anymore. Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter; they’d just keep tossing me around.

“Don’t spike me!” I’d tried to yell in my Mickey Mouse voice one time before being thrown through a glass coffee table. I was too late. They spiked me anyway.

That’s the only really bad thing about being just a head: the Mickey Mouse voice. It’s really really bad. I mean who listens to Mickey Mouse when he shouts? No one takes that seriously. One time I yelled at my friend in anger — or at least I tried to yell, which in my opinion is barely yelling and shouldn’t be considered as such no matter what the volume — so she left me on a train. As I sat there motionless, stuck on the train, I tried to call for help, but people seemed too scared to come over to help me. People walked by and in my Mickey Mouse voice I said, “Help me. Help me … please.” Kids and parents alike just ran away. I don’t know why they were scared. It’s not like I can take anyone in a fight. I’m just a poor little head. People are so weird.

Finally a little boy came over and I thought he was going to help me, so in my Mickey Mouse voice, I said, “My hero,” but it turned out he’d just walked over to put a Barbie doll next to me and then he walked off.

It was discouraging and embarrassing. I wanted to cry but I’m a man … well, I have the head of a man.

But then the kid came back. The little boy was going to save me. I smiled so big.

I was saved.

But then he just put a Mrs. Potato Head on the other side of me and said, “Mommy, Daddy, come look at this. Head is a PIMP.”

A crowd gathered and everyone started laughing. It was the most humiliating moment of my life, and no, I didn’t drown in my own tears.

But I did almost drown in some ketchup later that night.

It was the worst night I’ve had as a head so far.

© 2015 Smith Q. Johns

Smith Q. Johns watches a lot of movies because he doesn’t have any friends. You can read some stupid things he wrote here: http://blueskirtproductions.com/tag/smith-q-johns/

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