The Emperor of Women By Brian Wright

I want to become a colonial power, but I need a woman. If I had a woman, I could plant my flag on her body. Then I would be a colonial power. First, I need a flag. I don’t like flags with stripes, but I like flags with symbols. Before I become a colonial power, I need a flag with a symbol that I can plant on a woman’s body. Gandhi used a spinning wheel, so I can’t use that. Actually, I shouldn’t mention Gandhi at all. He was an anti-colonial power. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t colonize women. Just not with his flag. I don’t need to colonize women anyway. I just need to colonize a woman. Than I could start my own empire. My empire might have more than one woman though. I would also like lots of coastline. If my empire had lots of coastline then the beaches would attract women that I could colonize. Here’s a problem. I want a woman to colonize but I keep thinking in terms of women. Are many women better than one woman? If I colonize a woman, I have a household. If I colonize women, I have an empire. What kind of emperor would I be? Would I be kind to my minions? Is minion the right word? What do you call the people in an empire? I will call my people women. After all, I am the emperor. I can call them anything I want, but will my women love me? Probably not. I can’t even get it together enough to come up with a flag to plant on them, but they do like powerful men, so I better get cracking. Okay. First task of the assembly:  Design a flag I can plant on the woman (women?) I am going to colonize. I want to see it on my desk in the morning. I don’t care if you have to work all night. Are there any women working with you who are on all night? Would they like something to eat? Here is twenty bucks. Why don’t you go out and get some pizza, but be sure to bring me a receipt. I can put in for reimbursement from the state treasury. If I am to be a colonial power, I must keep the accounts straight. Which brings me to the subject of taxation. Everyone who has a piece of pizza will be taxed one dollar. Please leave your money in the cup on the table. I am a kind colonial power, but I am not stupid. I don’t want to get ripped off by a bunch of pizza eating women. I know your kind. You move in. Hang out on the beaches. Eat lots of pizza and go home without designing anything. That way you get fed and I don’t get a flag. Without a flag, I don’t become a colonial power. Without a flag, you all get a free ride. I haven’t even become a colonial power yet and already there is a revolution. I need secret police. With enough secret police, I could be a great colonial power. There is a piece of paper hanging on the wall near the door. If you want to join my secret police, don’t put your name on it.

© 2016 Brian Wright

Brian lives in Ireland with his wife and two sleepy Pit Bulls who were rescued from a dog pound. All four moved to Ireland from New York about six months ago. Brian was an advertising executive but found the purposeful deceit and long hours disheartening. He walked out of what had become a trap and hasn’t looked back.

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